The photo shows a journal and the quote, "Here she comes, running, out of prison and off the pedestal chains off, crown off, halo off, just a live woman.

The One About The Different Personas We Wear

Hey there! It’s good to see you here. My name is Lizzie, and I am the redhead who is always wondering! Wondering about life, about this beautiful world, about words and light and colour and form. And mostly about how I can be the best me that I can possibly be. 

I am a creator of hand bound books and of art, in the form of cyanotypes and photographs. I am also an avid journal-keeper and I’d like to share some of my journal wonderings with you today …. 

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon

I have spent a lot of my life being a Chameleon. 

Mostly I’ve been trying to blend into the background so no one will see me, because mostly I have felt that I’m just not “enough” … not good enough, or pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, interesting enough … you name it, I thought I wasn’t enough of it! And I didn’t want to be noticed. 

The rest of the time I was so desperate to be accepted, liked, loved; so desperate to be pulled into the fold, that my chameleon personality would take on whatever I could see around me, anything to be accepted, and more importantly, anything NOT to be rejected or abandoned. 

Anything to be loved.

This was me, in those early People Pleaser years … blonde … because hey! Blondes have more fun! Don’t they? Don’t they?!!?

People Pleaser Me

You see, I was the consummate people pleaser. Here’s what psychologists say about people pleasers … 

“For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them.”  

I used to tick both of those boxes. My poor little people pleaser didn’t stand much of a chance!  

People Pleaser No More (Most of the Time!!) 

After years of working on myself in the pages of my journals, I’m happy to report that I’m not that desperate, eager-to-please-at-any-cost-to-myself person any longer. You see, for me, writing in my journal every day was the key that unlocked the prison cell of People Pleasing that I’d been trapped in for so many years. It was not a good place to be, that tiny cell that I’d squeezed myself into. But … 

I am very lucky. I’ve found my place.  

I’ve found the place I want to be. 

It’s right here! 

I’m living the life I want to live. Right now.

I have the most wonderful gift of being content with my life Just the Way It Is

And I’m happy with myself because I am being my own true self at last. 

I’m not bending myself to someone else’s will.  

I’m not being told what I can eat, or do, or know.  

I’m not being told what I can listen to, or what I am allowed to read. 

I’m not being told what friends I can have or how I should behave. 

I am being me. And do you know what? I am alright, just as I am! 

First ever selfie! This was me, embracing my redheaded self. The self I’m meant to be!

And hey! This redhead’s having way more fun!!!

A Message That Resonated

Now, if you follow me on social media, then you may well have read what I’ve written above before now, because I shared these feelings a while ago.  

Something had happened, which had made all these feeling come up for me; I had been reminded of how I had lived in that place of trying to fit myself into a mould of someone else’s making, and I felt it was important to share my thoughts about it. I felt it was important for me to say, “this is me, and I am not ashamed or afraid to show you my true self”. 

What was amazing and humbling for me was how many women commented on that social media post, telling me that they felt the same way. Here are just a few of the things they said … 

“Thank you for sharing such rawness ❤️” 

“Beautiful post …. I can relate to this, I find that as I have got older I have gained confidence and not so worried about wanting to fit in, you do what makes you happy, life is too short😍” 

“I’m sorry it took you so long to realise your worth. Xxx ❤️” 

“Resonated, well written 👏👏❤️💪” 

“Perfectly put Lizzie and I think what you’ve put resonates with so many of us ❤️” 

“Ahhh Lizzie, this is a beautiful post 💙💙💙” 

“Nice to see you 🌿” 

“Oh my, thanks for this authentic post, I totally relate 💙 much love xx” 

“❤️Thanks for sharing and glad that your path has led you to the lovely place you are now.” 

“Aah Lizzie, I can completely identify with all of this, and you’ve put it all into words so beautifully 😍” 

“I think many of us will relate to your words and story. I’m glad to hear you’re at peace with yourself now. For my part, I find I’ve become less self-conscious with age, so am embracing getting old! 😜” 

“Such a great post, thank you for sharing. I’m never going to take it for granted that any of us know or have validation of our beauty or our sovereignty over ourselves.” 

Illumination 

I confess, it made me feel so good to get so much love and appreciation! Of course, there was the dopamine rush. I’m not about to start lying to myself, or to you – I know that the feeling of being “accepted” is a good one, and it’s something I’ve wanted my whole life. 

But I’m not sharing these comments to show how brilliant I am … I’m sharing them because I really was humbled and heartened that what I’d said resonated with so many women, that so many women contacted me and said, yes, this is my story too.  

It’s amazing to me that so many women said that I spoke straight to them, I put into words what they were feeling, and I helped. I was a beacon of light. 

Writing in my journal every day has always been my link to mySelf.

In my Morning Pages, I tell myself the truth, and I have found that actually, the truth of who I am is alright!

I am alright.

Just as I am.

Writing Our Stories and Righting Our Lives 

And by sharing our stories we help each other; we shine a little light into the darkness. I hope that my story shows other women that, even though they might be in a really dark place now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I know that for some women (too many women), they are trapped in abusive, dysfunctional situations, that they cannot get out of; I know this, because I was there myself for a long time. But I also know that if we can find a way to connect with our true selves, then we can find the light, because it’s inside us. 

And if I can help just one woman by speaking my truth, then isn’t that a wonderful thing? 

I found my “light” in the pages of my journal. I found my Self (with a Capital S) in the words that poured onto the page every morning. 

I do feel as if I’m well on my way out of the old “darkness” that I used to be in. But transformation happens in stages, and I am sure that I have more darkness to sit with. And when the negativity or blocks or the lack of self-belief come up for me, I’ll “journal it out”.  

And I know, from years of experience, that when I show up to the blank page every morning, I will eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel. And the light will be shining from me! 

And this “me” that I am now … I think she’s alright! And I think it’s okay that she’s a bit of a chameleon. 

Actually, I think she’s better than alright! 

And she’s more than good enough to be whatever she chooses to be! 

And she can be whatever she damn well pleases because these days she’s pleasing herself!  

Here she is … Redheadwondering … spinning around for the sheer joy of being herself!!

Now she is being the woman she chooses to be.

Queen of the Dark Forest – Illumination. 

“Sit with her in the darkness. For it is there that you will find the light.” 

Kat Shaw, The Path of the Divine Feminine, Empowering Goddess Oracle 

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